You Frrreeeeaaakk

now how do you get it off the fan?

2007-03-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

Ok a lot of stuff has been going on right now but I can't talk about it here. People who know me, feel free to contact me in a less public way if you want to know about it.

adventures in prosopagnosia (maybe)

2007-01-02T12:22:00.001-08:00

When I was looking for something at the drug store, I heard some guy in back of me say "hi". My first instinct was to assume he was on his cellphone and ignore him. Then he said it again so I thought that might be a "polite" way of saying, "get out of my way". So I moved. Then he looked at me and said Hi again, so I said hi back. Then he asked "are you off from school?" I just nodded. I was kind of puzzled at this point He didn't really look familiar but his voice sounded like this guy I knew in hi school. Something about hi tone made me think it wasn't him, unless he changed a lot. I don't know whether or not it's sad that I remember voices and tones better then faces. Would it be expected that someone I hadn't seen since hi school would say something like "don't you recognize me? I’m..."? I honestly don't know the answer. Maybe it was somebody I've never seen before making Smalltalk at the drugstore. I don't know how common that is in this age bracket either.

2006-11-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I talked to professor W and he agreed that there's nothing I can do to get teachers to provide accommodations they don't want to. The whole conversation was shorter and less "intensive" then I expected. I didn't have to go into specifics about "special needs". He never asked, fortunately. I forgot that not every professor demands your life story. I wrote about that before.

My parents agreed I could just take the class at the school I'm transferring to.

things that make me uneasy

2006-10-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

I now have to talk to my advisor (let's call him professor W) about a lot of topics, particularly a potential problem I may encounter with another professor (let's call him professor C). Professor C is the only teacher is my school who teaches a social psychology class. I think I'm required to take a social psychology class before I can graduate anywhere. The problem is that the way professor C teaches this class is he expects people to do a research report in a single class period, with no warning about what it's going to be on and no way to do any part of it at any other time. I can't possibly pass this way. I thought this was a settled matter, but my parents are saying that I can get accommodations for this. The only thing I can ever get because of my documentation is double time, I still don't think that would be enough time to do research and right the whole thing. The only way I'd even have a shot is if I was told at least a day in advance. I seriously doubt any teacher would give me that kind of "special treatment". I think it's even less likely that professor C would. Fist of all he wouldn't even give students a break when they couldn't get access to any computers. (My boyfriend took this class.) He kept saying things like "excuse making is what crazy people do." (I still don't know what that means.) Professor C also has demonstrated, in another class I had with him, that his attitude toward people with "special needs" is less then enlightened. He still refers to autistic savants as "idiot savants". He then insists "that's not real intelligence". (You’d have to be caught in a major time warp to be a psychology professor and not know that there are multiple intelligences and that autistic savants, by definition, are extremely high in one area and lacking in most others).
Anyway, my parents now want me to bring all this up with my advisor, possibly leaving out the last part, I not sure if it would be helpful. Since professor W is a cognitive psychology professor, it might help him "see where I'm coming from", but I don't know.

In general I'm usually uneasy about asking for any accommodations. It usually gets the other students mad at me. Frankly it's not fair. It's not fair that anyone should have take a timed test or timed in class assignment. I can't even remember if I'm also supposed to talk about career options with professor W as well. That conversation is even more awkward because it highlights my problems even more.

I'l never understand people

2006-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly enough, my sociology textbook actually said, "There would be enough food to feed 10 billion people if everyone adopted a vegetarian diet." I was expecting that this either would not be mentioned in class, or would be met with nothing but disbelief. Instead my teacher actually did bring this up and he said "I don't know about you guys but I'm not willing to give up meat." The rest of the class agreed.

2006-09-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

After hearing a radio story about an autistic kid, I felt unusually emotive. I think I'm only starting to realize how utterly trapped I am. I, along with a lot of special needs kids have been strung along way too long with promises that we'll all "improve with practice". I never exactly believed it but I guess I must not have fully disbelieved it, if that makes any sense.

2006-09-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

In my life, I think I've come across an unusually large number of people who appear to be constantly shocked by everything. One is in my classes now (oddly enough he comes from the same neighborhood that my high school was in and shares many other characteristics with people from there.) I always wonder how these people manage to be shocked by everything. It's like they've been living under a rock. It must be exhausting to be them.

another year begins

2006-09-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should be glad my teachers appear to speak at a reasonable volume. It's amazing how much loud people can ruin everything for me. One of my classmates is really bizarre but not at all like me, if you can believe that.

Just say what you mean

2006-08-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyone is avoiding me. This isn't exactly new but it seems like more then ever, everyone is avoiding me. Most schools still haven't started so nobody can use homework as an excuse. Why is it so hard to say, "I don't want to be your friend, go away"?

You don't have to be bored to be boring

2006-08-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've noticed lately that there seem to be a lot of people who think that the worst thing a person can be is boring. While I don't think it's desirable to be boring, I do think there are plenty of worse things for a person to be, annoying, sadistic, spoiled and plenty of other adjectives. I've also noticed that pretty much everyone I've ever heard of thinking this, is under 30, also that they seem to believe you aren't boring if all you ever do is drink and go to parties. I fail to see how that's any less monotonous then say, my life.

2006-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to stop repeating myself. This is hard for most people but especially for me because I think I fear change in my personal life more then most people do. I need to see that the food pellet shocks me and stop thinking "well maybe this time it won't."

One big thing I that I need to stay away from people with borderline personality disorder. This is hard for me because it seems like a big chunk of everyone who has ever acted like a friend to me has had it. It's really hard for me to reject anyone. Not just because I feel like I don't have enough friends to be able to "afford" to reject or give up on anyone but because it just seems to go against every value I have. It just seems so wrong to "give up" on anyone. Not that everyone can change necessarily but "giving up" on someone is just so awful.

But borderline people are like poison to me. If you don't like their personality, wait three days. If you don't like what they think of you, wait three days. I think most people would find this maddening but it's really hard when you're relationship with everyone seems to be subject to unseen forces. (Unseen when you can't read social cues). It's really hard when you think a person has turned over a new leaf, but of course they haven't.

Maybe I'm over generalizing. I'm not sure. I just wish everyone would make up their minds, say what they mean and stop playing head games. It’s never going to happen though

2006-06-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so we got a cat finally. He's a three year old Siberian. He's pretty nice.

The Inevitable

2006-06-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Something of mine has been disappeared. I have a feeling I know what happened to it but I can't prove anything. Everybody insists I lost it. I wish more people trusted me. I wish there were more people I could trust, and more appropriately I wish there were fewer I couldn't. I may get an earful or worse for writing this.

Information I'm collecting for what most would concider no good reason

2006-05-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Before I start I should say that this is not a recent development but somewhat a quest that's been going on for years. Some people collect stamps. I collect answers to questions.

1. If you are against stem cell research what do you propose be done about invitro fertilization?
2. When is it justifiable to lie? What about "lies by omission"?
3. What do the following things mean? "Common sense," "Acting smart," "Thinking person,"

There is probably more that I'm forgetting right now.

Einstein said, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

2006-05-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Me: "Will it ever be good enough?"
My Mom: "I don't know. Probably not."

m-e-h meh

2006-05-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

Because I still need measurements, I haven't finished #1. I'm wondering if my behavior is going to resemble odd Todd this half of summer. Well I don't drink coffee much and when I drink tea it's usually while doing stuff on the computer, not staring at the wall, and he doesn't make and sell jewelry so that's something. I think this bothers a lot of people more then it bothers me, not that it does bother me at all. If I start cleaning my room soon maybe I can avoid some of the harassment.

Things to do this summer

2006-05-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

1. Finish filling jewelry order mom's co-workers made (finally got some business!).
2. Patch up jeans (ok so I know I look like a cartoon hobo but what else can I do?).
3. Read book mentioned in previous post.
4. Look into PDD oriented groups for college students.
5. Attempt to clean room.
6. Attempt to find a job even though I'm planning on taking summer courses the second half of summer.

2006-05-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

So today I saw Ruairi. I had a good time.

It's weird how only when I break away from my routine do I see just how helpless I really am. Just going to and from school, I don't have to confront my inability to navigate the area I've lived in most of my life, or most of the other areas I'm lacking in. A lot of people seem to think this is something I chose, like I just sat down one day and thought "I’m just never going to bother learning where anything is. It's a waste of time". People seem to feel this way about a lot of other things too. I probably should avoid that rant because it would take about ten pages that nobody would want to read.

It's going to be a lonely week

2006-04-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

I just found out that next weekend Dave will have to work so much that I will only be able to see him for a few hours on Saturday and not at all on Sunday. That and of course as usual I won't get to see on any weekdays except Friday.

I know a lot of my entries have been "waahhh waaahhh waaahhh. I'm lonely", but that's how I feel. I did read one person's blog that said "write about your feelings. Nobody cares about your day-to-day activities." She didn't direct it at me but I'm wondering if that's what a lot of people think about blogs in general.

If you're thinking, "I thought people on the spectrum were supposed to be immune to loneliness", you're wrong. Most experts agree that at least people with Aspergers and NLD do want social interaction but just have a hard time having them without ending up being hated. The disagreement lies with what "regular" autistics want in terms of that area. (I refuse to use to term "low functioning". It's misleading hierarchical and elitist.)

I’ll try to stop my whining now. There are worse problems in the world.

2006-04-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Next week is finals week. Somehow only two of my classes have actual finals, Wednesday afternoon and Thursday night and I don't have to be anywhere else this week.

Although I got very little out of my abnormal psychology class (which is a shame because in general I'm interested in the subject) because my teacher insisted on doing everything but teaching, I do like the textbook. It specifies which disorders are ego-dystonic. This fascinates me. I'm often puzzled when people say, "that's the disorder talking". Although that isn't quite the same thing if they're saying it about somebody else.

A rare event

2006-04-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

For the first time in who knows how long I will have time where I'm not sure what to do. All of my actual homework assignments are done, possibly for the whole semester. It's just the time between my class that ends at 3:45 and the one that starts at six. If I were not stuck at school there would be a ton of things for me to do. It's hardly my biggest problem. I'm only writing this because it's so rare. I’ll probably just end up studying even though It's no that close to finale and I don't know what I’ll remember.

2006-04-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's weird. Sometimes I feel like want constant attention. Yet some kinds of attention terrify me. I'm really afraid of being in a situation where a bunch of people look at me, like my bamitzvahah. Even having a conversation with more then one person at a time is something I find difficult. I guess I want constant attention of a very specific kind. I find myself thinking, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! She hasn't updated her blog in three days! I'm in the Dark! I guess that isn't attention really. Maybe what I want is constant interaction, if you can call it that. It's not something I really get, not that I could reasonably expect it or deserve it. So many of my friends seem like they ether get tired of me or start hating me. I can't really tell because they just stop returning my emails and other forms of communication.

In other news I don't like Lexapro in the springtime. It's not hot but I'm sweating buckets because of it. Maybe the reason people think we all don't shower is because we're all on SSRIs and sweating because of it.

2006-04-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well I liked the seminar. I thought it was good that there were a lot of "this is what it's like to have this disorder." I feel like so often, when disorders are discussed, especially this type, they never even come close to letting the disordered give their side of the story. The focus is on how hard life is for the family and what unbearable freaks the people with the disorders are.

Anyway, back to the seminar, he also talked about other disorders besides PDD ones and did some comparing and contrasting. He said, "People with Aspergers say 'don't move that table three feet because if you do it's too much change and I’ll be lost.' whereas people with OCD say 'don't move that table three feet because then it won't be in the center of the room and it needs to be in the center of the room." I guess at least the first part is somewhat accurate if taken with a grain of salt. I'm guessing the second part is only one example of a possible compulsion but then again so is the first. In his discussion of OCD, he didn't differentiate between OCD anxiety disorder and OCD personality disorder. He also only talked about compulsions and not intrusive thoughts.

In his discussion of NLD, he made a point of saying "Please don't bother trying to teach them handwriting. They have enough problems. It's never going to work. You can make them practice ten hours a day but every day it will just be like the movie groundhog’s day. They will be right back where they started. Just pick your battles and get them typing. The same goes for math and driving." I really appreciate that. I can't tell you how many teachers have made me hand write a paper several times over only to give me a zero at the end.

He also said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. Though he didn't say those two things one after another, I'm not sure how to interpret that besides the most obvious way. It seems like he wouldn't become a therapist who specializes in Aspergers if her truly felt that way. I'm tempted to email him and ask about that but I'm not sure what I'd even say. "You said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. That's not nice. Do you really think that?" I probably won't email him. B For the most part he didn't seem to be portraying anyone as hatable or anything like that.

I'm not really sure if I was "found out". Those chairs had bouncy backs. It's like they were just begging you to rock back and fourth. I kept fidgeting in other ways every time I caught myself starting to rock back and fourth which isn't really an effective way to cover that up. I'm wondering if that ended up being even more conspicuous.

My mom got the title of a book about career options for people with Aspergers and NLD. That's what I really needed the most. Nobody will hire me it seems. I also got an interesting 80-page pamphlet that seems to be more informative then at least some websites. It has a lot of lists. I like lists. (Was that last comment scary?)

the NLD thing again

2006-04-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

So my mom is going to a seminar about autistic spectrum disorders for work. She wanted me to come too so I agreed. I don't regret agreeing but it occurred to me that there's a major risk that I’ll be "found out", considering the people there will mostly be people who's job involves recognizing these disorders in people (like my mom's job). The odd thing is, despite my formal diagnosis and several teachers saying I'm a textbook case of NLD, my mom is in complete denial about me being on the spectrum, even though it's her job to recognize symptoms in other people. She’ll admit to me having any individual symptom (can't read social cues, sensory issues, rocking back and forth, forgets to make eye contact, trouble making small talk etc) but never the whole disorder.

I'm trying not to write about this too much. I hate to sound obsessed, I just keep getting reminders, and it does effect my whole life.

2006-04-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well for the most part, I guess you could call last Friday a success. I didn't rock back and fourth or blurt out anything crazy and they didn't tell Dave he could do better, at least while I was there. We were supposed to go to horizon cafe, but since nobody had been to their new location, it took us about two hours to find it and then a half-hour to find a parking space. Then when we got there, they said they were closed. So we went to Gianna's. Unlike when my parents went there, Dave's parents didn't complain about the pierced people or the same sex pda. Once we got there, the time was surprisingly uneventful. But then my mom insisted on meeting Dave's parents. The whole time they were visiting, there were a lot of awkward silences between my parents suggesting sightseeing and Dave's parents saying "We aren't here to go sightseeing. We Just want to see Dave. We haven't seen him in five years." and "Next time we go to Florida, Dave is coming with us. I don't want to hear about school and work." I've been worrying since then that there are going to try to take him back to Wisconsin with them. I called him and he swore that that isn't going to happen and that even if it does he won't go. I know I have a history of worrying, but I feel like the one thing I don't try to ensure won't happen or don't worry about, is the one thing that will happen.

The belated sader was "interesting", mostly people were just drunk, and cracking jokes and laughing for no reason, it seems like it gets more like this every year. I suppose it's better then if we were actually taking it seriously. I usually now just use alcohol as an excuse to act weird of say weird things. I drink an ounce of wine and hope nobody notices that I really shouldn't be drunk.

.....

2006-04-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow’s the big day. I can't sleep. I'm having trouble doing anything that is even remotely productive. I've just been pacing around and eating sugar-free Korean hard candy all night. (Ok so it's only 12:30). Every crazy possibility is going through my head. What If I rock back and fourth or launch into some monologue about who knows what. What if they blame me for "stealing" Dave? What if they somehow convince him to move back to Wisconsin? What if they blame me for some other way he changed that they don't like? What if I blurt out something inappropriate? I'm sure I haven’t thought of everything that could possibly go wrong. It's not like worrying will stop crap from happening. That doesn't actually stop me from worrying though.

oh so scared

2006-04-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

I now have to meet Dave's parents. I know it's "weird" that we've been going out for years and I'm only now meeting them, but what was I supposed to do? He moved here from Wisconsin. I have no idea what they will say. I'm afraid that they might say something like "You could do better." I realize he isn't exactly going to listen. If he did whatever they told him he never would have moved here. I'm also worried about the question, "what do you plan on doing?” Originally, Dave was wanted to be a professor and I wanted to be a researcher. That was before Dave was rejected by all of the grad schools he applied to. If he can't get in then there's no way I can. His GPA is much higher then mine is.

In other news, I finished my eureka bead necklace. I think I'm going to keep the prototype and then make some more to sell on ebay. Nobody else is selling those so in theory I should have the market cornered.
The picture up there is what a eureka bead though mine is pearly white.

a few things

2006-04-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I went to a concert with my boyfriend. It pretty much sucked. First my boyfriend was told that it started an hour later then it really did. So we got there an hour early and had to spend an hour and a half sitting there getting weird looks from the band as they did the sound check, which was about twice as loud as the actual concert. It mad me think I might get tinnitus. The band also sucked. They were really bland. We didn't know ahead of time who was even playing there. I'm not really sure why my boyfriend wanted to go there. At least the concert was free.

I'm really confused when someone is referred to as a "thinking person. I always wonder, as opposed to what, a philosophical zombie?

2006-01-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

On Monday I went to Washington DC to see my brother's school. I went to his dorm, and saw all his roommates for about 30 seconds. For some reason the day before my mother thought it was necessary to tell me not to ask, "Oh is he the roommate you've been talking about who...?" I saw the black squirrel at GW but I forgot to ask to borrow a camera. I suppose there are already pictures of that squirrel.

We went to the national art museum. Much of the architecture in the contemporary art section of seemed to be based on contemporary art. None of the elevators were rectangular prisms. There was a staircase that lead to nothing, not an empty room, just nothing. On the top step of the staircase was a sign that said, "Exhibit on Dadaism coming soon". I don't know if that was a coincidence.

The effect of a broken window

2005-12-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

So I was in the basement at home studying for my finals and I suddenly heard glass breaking upstairs. I was hoping somebody just threw a brick through the window, but ten seconds later I started hearing rattling around. So it was clear that somebody was in the house. I grabbed the cordless phone, ran into the half bathroom in the basement and called 911. After I told them what happened they told me to run out the back door. So I ran out the back door in pajamas, a bathrobe and Tweety slippers. The police were already there. I suppose this is the appeal of the subburbs. There were nine officers surrounding the house with their guns drawn. After standing outside in the front yard dressed like that and watching the police roam around my house for about ten minutes. I finally saw why the window broke. Somebody was in the house, a hawk. The police still wanted me to stay outside while they called animal control and wait for them to get there. By this time, the nine officers surrounding the house with their guns drawn, had attracted most of the neighborhood’s attention. Eventually the told me I could wait in the basement. After about a half-hour, of waiting with all of the doors being open, they came down and told me the hawk was out. My parents got home a little later and took this all surprisingly well. After they got the window fixed my mom just wanted to call everyone and tell them about it and try to identify the hawk. Then came all the people telling me how impressed they are that I “handled it well”. I’m not quite sure what they expected me to do. It seemed like something that would be more appropriate to say about a seven-year-old.

You firgure it out

2005-11-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

People are really hard on my statistics professor for reasons I don't understand. One day when he was making several arithmetic mistakes when writing on the board, someone shouted out, "What's wrong with you today?' Someone else shouted out "What are you on?" Then someone else shouted "It must be something good?" At which point my professor said "Ok here's what you do, first you go to bed about two hours before you really ought to, then you put on a tape of a crying baby that goes off every hour, then you wake up about an hour before you really ought to." I might not have been that patient I would have been fighting the urge to say something like "You got 40% on your last assignment so clearly it's not as good as what you're on."

Every time we have a test, people always complain about how hard the tests are, even though they are open notes. They go so far as to say, "After taking that test I'm so mad at him, I can't concentrate, for the rest of the day." I notice I'm the only one who actually types up notes for tests. Everyone else is fumbling through page after page of written notes. I think there's just something about this professor that makes people hate him and want to treat him like toilet paper. When I had him for a psychology class, the first day, as he walked into the room, people were saying, loud enough for him to hear, "Oh my god, this teacher is such a nerd. I bet he's still a virgin." I've had a couple of other professors who were treated in a similar matter. I have no idea what it is about these teachers that does this. They all are fairly average looking. With statistics, they may be taking out on him, the fact that nobody wants take this class but it's mandatory for psychology majors. With the other professors who were treated like this, the classes were all either electives or related to majors, so
there's no real pattern to it.

PDD chic

2005-11-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

Last week my statistics professor asked if anyone likes Guinness. Almost nobody raised their hands. He then said, “Well it’s a meal. You have to chew it.” I was tempted to ask how that’s possible, but I decided there was too big a risk that that would be an example of “Taking things too literally”. I have no idea how to take that figuratively though. I always worry about “outing” myself in class with this NLD thing. The other day I caught myself rocking back and fourth in class. It’s pretty rare for me to catch myself doing that. Usually I have no idea I’m doing it until somebody else tells me. At that point there’s pretty much nothing I can say to justify this. I’ve considered saying things like “What, you’ve never seen anyone do an impression of a parakeet before? Everyone’s doing it”. I may have given myself away in my extremely small women’s studies class when I commented on the essentialist stuff (the stuff that says what make women special or makes women women is the ability to read nonverbal communication and sense what others are feeling), by saying, “Well I think any women on the autistic spectrum would read that and think, ‘ain’t I a woman,” Quoting Sojourner Truth is a dangerous move for a white person to make but I think my teacher got a kick out of it. I’m not sure what would happen to me if large numbers of people started to find out but I don’tthink iit wouldd be good. In case anyone is wondering, that title is a joke. It would be a contradiction of meanings. Only a certain type of person would wonder about that though.

The bright side of obssession

2005-10-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well my "issues" may have gotten me some extra credit, although probably not. Today in my statistics class we were in the computer lab, using SPSS to calculate something involving students’ guesses of how many calories a pineapple had. The guesses had been collected in class at a different time. My teacher then said "so I'm sure by now some curious individual has already looked this up." Amazingly enough nobody had. He then said "Ok for extra credit, somebody look this up. So then everybody scrambled to be the first. For some reason everyone was just googling it. That was a pretty dumb plan. People also didn't seem to understand the difference between a pineapple and a cup of chopped pineapple. I went to nutri-facts.com. Even with all of my typos, and having to fix them, I still raised my hand to volunteer this figure, which was necessary for what we were doing, 231 calories. For some reason, then my Professor said, "Wow that was fast". Apparently nobody was aware of any calorie counting web sites, in my class of over 35.

Well It finally Happened

2005-10-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

So my group presented on Monday. I think I was "boring", which is the only thing our presentations are graded on. I'm not sure how I could have been anything else. All I was supposed to talk about was Alfred Adler's mundane personal life. Of course my group members had better things to talk about because they got to do his theories and his influence.

We did the follow-up activity today. One of my group members made this elaborate wheel out of some wood and a bicycle wheel among other things, to play wheel of fortune on. It was impressive but I doubt it will effect our grades. I suppose this is somehow supposed to make up for her repeatedly flaking out and taking away our day off. We each brought in candy for the activity. I brought in Mary Janes. I was going to bring in peanut chews but the store didn't have them and Mary Janes were so much cheaper then everything else. The students got to pick their candy when they got a letter right and at the end all the candy was passed around. Almost nobody wanted Mary Janes. Guess which group member took home all the remaining candy that all three of us had brought in. I’ll give you a hint. It wasn't me.

Apparently my group didn't have the biggest flake. The group that presented on Wednesday consisted of two people and one of them didn't show up. Although I expected that to happen in my group, amazingly enough it didn't. I was sure queen of the flakes would not show up the day of the presentation and then be on campus anyway. The guy who had to present alone was assigned Karen Horney. I was surprised when he actually pronounced her name correctly. About two thirds of his presentation consisted of talking about how ugly she was. That was similar to the presentation about Anna Freud. So far there have been two presentations about female theorists and three about male theorists. In all three of the presentations about male theorists, appearances were never mentioned. As I've already said, how ugly the female theorists were was the majority of both of those presentations.

2005-10-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

Friday is a "study day". It's a day off right before the midterms are supposed to start, though a lot of teachers have been having theirs soon because they think it's wrong for students to have a whole extra day off to study for midterms. Some teachers have also tried to get the school to get rid of "study days", but surprisingly they have not succeeded. We get one "study day" a year. Not one a semester, one a year. I was looking forward to staying home on Friday, being home when my mom isn't, being able to shower and do laundry without getting yelled at for it. And of course, I was looking forward to having more time to do my homework and study for the remaining midterm, when my boyfriend could actually help me. This is especially true since last weekend I barely got to see him at all, since his weekend was taken up almost entirely by some event at temple that he wanted to go to because Chuck Pennacchio was there. Friday is they day my group has decided to reschedule the dry run for the presentation. By the way, my group member who flaked out repeatedly (other times I haven't written about) never once even apologized at all.

2005-10-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

So today was supposed to be the day my group did the dry run of the presentation after class. The problems was one of my group members was not in class and the other problem was the entire thing was on her laptop. So my other group member and I just decided that, since neither of us had received an email from her, that we would just call it a day and hope we could reschedule it. I still stayed on campus because I had a class several hours later. I went to another building across campus because the library is there (the loudest room on campus but it's where the computers and chairs are). As I walked into the library, the group member who hadn't been to class was there. She told me that she didn't go to class because she was too sick. She asked me if the other group member was there. I told her He was there but I had no idea if he had left since we thought she was absent. So we both emailed him telling him what had happened but that was the last I heard from either of them.
Now is being too sick to go to class but not too sick to go to school crazy? Am I crazy? She could have at least emailed us ahead of time to let us know about this.

Today's presentation was about Carl Jung. Each group is supposed to be experts on their assigned theorist. The group that went today Pronounced Jung phonetically and defined an introvert as somebody who is charismatic, violent and feels no remorse. Ok for those of you who haven't take psychology 101, It's pronounced like young. I think most people have some understanding of what an introvert is, at least that it's not synonymous with a sociopath. I'm not sure who I'm clarifying this for since, as I've mentioned before nobody reads this. By the way, this class had prerequisites.

2005-10-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been hearing a lot about people going away to college and feeling alienated. When I hear this all I think is, welcome to my world. I need friends who are on the spectrum. I say this because NTs just seem to want to go to parties. A party is about the last thing I'd ever want to go to. It's noisy. Everyone wants to mingle so you can never really have a meaningful conversation with anyone. There is all this food that I can't eat for multiple reasons. NTs also all seem to have a ton of friends already and expect me to, and the fact that I don't, is treated like a sin as grievous as mass murder. I don't think I'm going to get many more friends in the big blue room. Even with online friends, it seems like I'm always the last priority. I don't just mean behind school and work, I'd expect to be behind them. I mean I'm always behind every other friend of any kind, on thqueueue. They respond to every other email that they get long before they even consider mine. I can say this without fear of getting anyone mad at me because I seriously doubt anyone ever reads this damn thing.

So what should I make of this?

2005-09-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in the computer lab one of my classmate from my psyche class said to me "I want to thank you for saying that the Koran prohibits female circumcision. I was trying to convey that message but the class just wasn't getting it." Then he asked, "Have you read the Koran?" I answered "No, not the whole thing, just exerts like that one." Then for some reason I felt like a fraud and like he was judging me for not having read the whole thing. All he did was get up to go pick up what he had printed out. I tried to rationalize my comment in light of my relative ignorance by telling myself that I've probably read more of it then most of my classmates. In one class multiple people hadn't even heard of the Koran.
I guess I always feel weird when I'm the position of defending a religion. There's always the debate about what comes from the religion and what comes from the culture. This debate never really goes anywhere because it's pretty much impossible to separate the two. It's not like either one exists in a vacuum. People usually end up quoting parts of the same text that contradict each other. And then there's the matter of interpretation. Don't use beasts of burden on the Sabbath somehow means walk instead of using your car or taking public transportation.

Nothing to see here

2005-09-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I now know every stupid fact about Adler's personal life thatÂs available. In my three-person group, somehow personal life ended up being assigned to me. The thing is there's only been one biography ever written about him. Barns and noble doesn't stock it only main campus library has it, and the only public library that has it is one whose location I couldn't even begin to guess. So I'm stuck with the four pages of crap that I was able to get from the textbook and various web sights. This somehow has to fill about 20 minutes. I have to practice talking really slowly. Now the other people in my group have started realizing what a racket this is. It only took them 18 days to figure it out.

Just when I think I've seen it all, they go and pull something like this.

2005-09-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

My professors never cease to amaze me. Apparently now in one of my classes, every class from now on will be taught by the students. She assigned each group of students (we didn't even get to pick our own groups) a theorist, on whom they must do a two hour presentation, which includes everything the text book has about them (a 50 page chapter on each theorist) but "Don't just tell us what's in the book. Include much more information or don't expect to pass". I got Adler. Had I been sitting on seat back, I would have Gotten Karen Horney. Why this bothers me more then it would have if I were five seats off, IÂll never know, but, thanks to my choice of major, I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. This, of course, does not mean we won't have massive amounts of other homework in that class, even though some of us have to do the presentation next week.

I should clarify that Chuck Pennachio, might not have a worse chance of winning the general election then Bob Casey does, if he actually won the primaries, since the Bob Casey is extremely right wing on all social issues and not so great on economic issues. Those who want to vote for a right wing extremist will just vote for Santorum in the general election.

2005-08-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

So in my class we did the one thing worse then going around the room (intoduce yourself, say something about yourself etc). We had to interview eachother and then recite whatever we could think to ask, This is much worse because then there's about 20 awkward minutes of trying to figure out what to ask. Then the teacher criticizes us for not having found out enough. This reminds me of a quote I once heard from a prostitute "The worst was when they'd pay for an hour and a half because then sex wasn't enough. They'd feel like , since they payed so much, you owed them a peace of your soul. They felt entitled to your whole life story." The funny thing is professors don't pay us, they just act like they do. Especially at my school. In every class the teacher gives the same speach. "For every absence I'm taking ten points off of your final grade. I don't care If your mother dies, even if you show me a death certificate, I don't want to hear it. This is the real world now. You couldn't just skip a day of work." The funny thing is, pretty much every job allows sick days. School does a lot of being more unfair then any work situation ever would be, while using the excuse that they're preparing you for jobs. Like when they sit and watch while somebody strangles you, claiming to be prepairing you for "the real world, where people don't worry about your feelings,' even though this behaviour would be considered assault, if the victem were over 18 and not a student

Classes started

2005-08-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

So, uh, yeah

2005-08-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

My classes start on Tuesday and as of Friday they still haven't listed the books. I guess they're really cracking down on people "robbing" them by buying books online for much cheaper and cracking down on "cheating" by reading ahead before classes start. Teachers have really started cracking down on that "cheating" in the past year or so. I had one teacher last year who would only give us one week's worth of syllabus at a time to make sure we didn't "cheat" by spending more then a week on a paper, even a term paper or spending longer studying for test.

2005-08-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

I still don't have spell-check on my word processor. Even after re-installing windows.

In other news I spent a night at an old friends house. I didn't sleep because there were no cal-mags. I got drunk for the first time. It wasn't that great. It didn't even get me to sleep. It was ok but barely worth the calories and certainly not the money. Despite the fact that I'm 21 my parents still would get pissed if they found out.

My boyfriend has been devoting a lot of his time to trying to convince people online to vote for Chuck Penachio (sp?) in the primaries. He doesn't see this as a lost cause. Chuck Penachio openly supports the ERA. Nuff said.