You Frrreeeeaaakk

now how do you get it off the fan?

2007-03-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

Ok a lot of stuff has been going on right now but I can't talk about it here. People who know me, feel free to contact me in a less public way if you want to know about it.

adventures in prosopagnosia (maybe)

2007-01-02T12:22:00.001-08:00

When I was looking for something at the drug store, I heard some guy in back of me say "hi". My first instinct was to assume he was on his cellphone and ignore him. Then he said it again so I thought that might be a "polite" way of saying, "get out of my way". So I moved. Then he looked at me and said Hi again, so I said hi back. Then he asked "are you off from school?" I just nodded. I was kind of puzzled at this point He didn't really look familiar but his voice sounded like this guy I knew in hi school. Something about hi tone made me think it wasn't him, unless he changed a lot. I don't know whether or not it's sad that I remember voices and tones better then faces. Would it be expected that someone I hadn't seen since hi school would say something like "don't you recognize me? I’m..."? I honestly don't know the answer. Maybe it was somebody I've never seen before making Smalltalk at the drugstore. I don't know how common that is in this age bracket either.

2006-11-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I talked to professor W and he agreed that there's nothing I can do to get teachers to provide accommodations they don't want to. The whole conversation was shorter and less "intensive" then I expected. I didn't have to go into specifics about "special needs". He never asked, fortunately. I forgot that not every professor demands your life story. I wrote about that before.

My parents agreed I could just take the class at the school I'm transferring to.

things that make me uneasy

2006-10-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

I now have to talk to my advisor (let's call him professor W) about a lot of topics, particularly a potential problem I may encounter with another professor (let's call him professor C). Professor C is the only teacher is my school who teaches a social psychology class. I think I'm required to take a social psychology class before I can graduate anywhere. The problem is that the way professor C teaches this class is he expects people to do a research report in a single class period, with no warning about what it's going to be on and no way to do any part of it at any other time. I can't possibly pass this way. I thought this was a settled matter, but my parents are saying that I can get accommodations for this. The only thing I can ever get because of my documentation is double time, I still don't think that would be enough time to do research and right the whole thing. The only way I'd even have a shot is if I was told at least a day in advance. I seriously doubt any teacher would give me that kind of "special treatment". I think it's even less likely that professor C would. Fist of all he wouldn't even give students a break when they couldn't get access to any computers. (My boyfriend took this class.) He kept saying things like "excuse making is what crazy people do." (I still don't know what that means.) Professor C also has demonstrated, in another class I had with him, that his attitude toward people with "special needs" is less then enlightened. He still refers to autistic savants as "idiot savants". He then insists "that's not real intelligence". (You’d have to be caught in a major time warp to be a psychology professor and not know that there are multiple intelligences and that autistic savants, by definition, are extremely high in one area and lacking in most others).
Anyway, my parents now want me to bring all this up with my advisor, possibly leaving out the last part, I not sure if it would be helpful. Since professor W is a cognitive psychology professor, it might help him "see where I'm coming from", but I don't know.

In general I'm usually uneasy about asking for any accommodations. It usually gets the other students mad at me. Frankly it's not fair. It's not fair that anyone should have take a timed test or timed in class assignment. I can't even remember if I'm also supposed to talk about career options with professor W as well. That conversation is even more awkward because it highlights my problems even more.

I'l never understand people

2006-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly enough, my sociology textbook actually said, "There would be enough food to feed 10 billion people if everyone adopted a vegetarian diet." I was expecting that this either would not be mentioned in class, or would be met with nothing but disbelief. Instead my teacher actually did bring this up and he said "I don't know about you guys but I'm not willing to give up meat." The rest of the class agreed.

2006-09-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

After hearing a radio story about an autistic kid, I felt unusually emotive. I think I'm only starting to realize how utterly trapped I am. I, along with a lot of special needs kids have been strung along way too long with promises that we'll all "improve with practice". I never exactly believed it but I guess I must not have fully disbelieved it, if that makes any sense.

2006-09-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

In my life, I think I've come across an unusually large number of people who appear to be constantly shocked by everything. One is in my classes now (oddly enough he comes from the same neighborhood that my high school was in and shares many other characteristics with people from there.) I always wonder how these people manage to be shocked by everything. It's like they've been living under a rock. It must be exhausting to be them.

another year begins

2006-09-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should be glad my teachers appear to speak at a reasonable volume. It's amazing how much loud people can ruin everything for me. One of my classmates is really bizarre but not at all like me, if you can believe that.

Just say what you mean

2006-08-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyone is avoiding me. This isn't exactly new but it seems like more then ever, everyone is avoiding me. Most schools still haven't started so nobody can use homework as an excuse. Why is it so hard to say, "I don't want to be your friend, go away"?

You don't have to be bored to be boring

2006-08-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've noticed lately that there seem to be a lot of people who think that the worst thing a person can be is boring. While I don't think it's desirable to be boring, I do think there are plenty of worse things for a person to be, annoying, sadistic, spoiled and plenty of other adjectives. I've also noticed that pretty much everyone I've ever heard of thinking this, is under 30, also that they seem to believe you aren't boring if all you ever do is drink and go to parties. I fail to see how that's any less monotonous then say, my life.

2006-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to stop repeating myself. This is hard for most people but especially for me because I think I fear change in my personal life more then most people do. I need to see that the food pellet shocks me and stop thinking "well maybe this time it won't."

One big thing I that I need to stay away from people with borderline personality disorder. This is hard for me because it seems like a big chunk of everyone who has ever acted like a friend to me has had it. It's really hard for me to reject anyone. Not just because I feel like I don't have enough friends to be able to "afford" to reject or give up on anyone but because it just seems to go against every value I have. It just seems so wrong to "give up" on anyone. Not that everyone can change necessarily but "giving up" on someone is just so awful.

But borderline people are like poison to me. If you don't like their personality, wait three days. If you don't like what they think of you, wait three days. I think most people would find this maddening but it's really hard when you're relationship with everyone seems to be subject to unseen forces. (Unseen when you can't read social cues). It's really hard when you think a person has turned over a new leaf, but of course they haven't.

Maybe I'm over generalizing. I'm not sure. I just wish everyone would make up their minds, say what they mean and stop playing head games. It’s never going to happen though

2006-06-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so we got a cat finally. He's a three year old Siberian. He's pretty nice.

The Inevitable

2006-06-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Something of mine has been disappeared. I have a feeling I know what happened to it but I can't prove anything. Everybody insists I lost it. I wish more people trusted me. I wish there were more people I could trust, and more appropriately I wish there were fewer I couldn't. I may get an earful or worse for writing this.

Information I'm collecting for what most would concider no good reason

2006-05-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Before I start I should say that this is not a recent development but somewhat a quest that's been going on for years. Some people collect stamps. I collect answers to questions.

1. If you are against stem cell research what do you propose be done about invitro fertilization?
2. When is it justifiable to lie? What about "lies by omission"?
3. What do the following things mean? "Common sense," "Acting smart," "Thinking person,"

There is probably more that I'm forgetting right now.

Einstein said, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

2006-05-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Me: "Will it ever be good enough?"
My Mom: "I don't know. Probably not."

m-e-h meh

2006-05-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

Because I still need measurements, I haven't finished #1. I'm wondering if my behavior is going to resemble odd Todd this half of summer. Well I don't drink coffee much and when I drink tea it's usually while doing stuff on the computer, not staring at the wall, and he doesn't make and sell jewelry so that's something. I think this bothers a lot of people more then it bothers me, not that it does bother me at all. If I start cleaning my room soon maybe I can avoid some of the harassment.

Things to do this summer

2006-05-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

1. Finish filling jewelry order mom's co-workers made (finally got some business!).
2. Patch up jeans (ok so I know I look like a cartoon hobo but what else can I do?).
3. Read book mentioned in previous post.
4. Look into PDD oriented groups for college students.
5. Attempt to clean room.
6. Attempt to find a job even though I'm planning on taking summer courses the second half of summer.

2006-05-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

So today I saw Ruairi. I had a good time.

It's weird how only when I break away from my routine do I see just how helpless I really am. Just going to and from school, I don't have to confront my inability to navigate the area I've lived in most of my life, or most of the other areas I'm lacking in. A lot of people seem to think this is something I chose, like I just sat down one day and thought "I’m just never going to bother learning where anything is. It's a waste of time". People seem to feel this way about a lot of other things too. I probably should avoid that rant because it would take about ten pages that nobody would want to read.

It's going to be a lonely week

2006-04-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

I just found out that next weekend Dave will have to work so much that I will only be able to see him for a few hours on Saturday and not at all on Sunday. That and of course as usual I won't get to see on any weekdays except Friday.

I know a lot of my entries have been "waahhh waaahhh waaahhh. I'm lonely", but that's how I feel. I did read one person's blog that said "write about your feelings. Nobody cares about your day-to-day activities." She didn't direct it at me but I'm wondering if that's what a lot of people think about blogs in general.

If you're thinking, "I thought people on the spectrum were supposed to be immune to loneliness", you're wrong. Most experts agree that at least people with Aspergers and NLD do want social interaction but just have a hard time having them without ending up being hated. The disagreement lies with what "regular" autistics want in terms of that area. (I refuse to use to term "low functioning". It's misleading hierarchical and elitist.)

I’ll try to stop my whining now. There are worse problems in the world.

2006-04-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Next week is finals week. Somehow only two of my classes have actual finals, Wednesday afternoon and Thursday night and I don't have to be anywhere else this week.

Although I got very little out of my abnormal psychology class (which is a shame because in general I'm interested in the subject) because my teacher insisted on doing everything but teaching, I do like the textbook. It specifies which disorders are ego-dystonic. This fascinates me. I'm often puzzled when people say, "that's the disorder talking". Although that isn't quite the same thing if they're saying it about somebody else.

A rare event

2006-04-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

For the first time in who knows how long I will have time where I'm not sure what to do. All of my actual homework assignments are done, possibly for the whole semester. It's just the time between my class that ends at 3:45 and the one that starts at six. If I were not stuck at school there would be a ton of things for me to do. It's hardly my biggest problem. I'm only writing this because it's so rare. I’ll probably just end up studying even though It's no that close to finale and I don't know what I’ll remember.

2006-04-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's weird. Sometimes I feel like want constant attention. Yet some kinds of attention terrify me. I'm really afraid of being in a situation where a bunch of people look at me, like my bamitzvahah. Even having a conversation with more then one person at a time is something I find difficult. I guess I want constant attention of a very specific kind. I find myself thinking, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! She hasn't updated her blog in three days! I'm in the Dark! I guess that isn't attention really. Maybe what I want is constant interaction, if you can call it that. It's not something I really get, not that I could reasonably expect it or deserve it. So many of my friends seem like they ether get tired of me or start hating me. I can't really tell because they just stop returning my emails and other forms of communication.

In other news I don't like Lexapro in the springtime. It's not hot but I'm sweating buckets because of it. Maybe the reason people think we all don't shower is because we're all on SSRIs and sweating because of it.

2006-04-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well I liked the seminar. I thought it was good that there were a lot of "this is what it's like to have this disorder." I feel like so often, when disorders are discussed, especially this type, they never even come close to letting the disordered give their side of the story. The focus is on how hard life is for the family and what unbearable freaks the people with the disorders are.

Anyway, back to the seminar, he also talked about other disorders besides PDD ones and did some comparing and contrasting. He said, "People with Aspergers say 'don't move that table three feet because if you do it's too much change and I’ll be lost.' whereas people with OCD say 'don't move that table three feet because then it won't be in the center of the room and it needs to be in the center of the room." I guess at least the first part is somewhat accurate if taken with a grain of salt. I'm guessing the second part is only one example of a possible compulsion but then again so is the first. In his discussion of OCD, he didn't differentiate between OCD anxiety disorder and OCD personality disorder. He also only talked about compulsions and not intrusive thoughts.

In his discussion of NLD, he made a point of saying "Please don't bother trying to teach them handwriting. They have enough problems. It's never going to work. You can make them practice ten hours a day but every day it will just be like the movie groundhog’s day. They will be right back where they started. Just pick your battles and get them typing. The same goes for math and driving." I really appreciate that. I can't tell you how many teachers have made me hand write a paper several times over only to give me a zero at the end.

He also said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. Though he didn't say those two things one after another, I'm not sure how to interpret that besides the most obvious way. It seems like he wouldn't become a therapist who specializes in Aspergers if her truly felt that way. I'm tempted to email him and ask about that but I'm not sure what I'd even say. "You said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. That's not nice. Do you really think that?" I probably won't email him. B For the most part he didn't seem to be portraying anyone as hatable or anything like that.

I'm not really sure if I was "found out". Those chairs had bouncy backs. It's like they were just begging you to rock back and fourth. I kept fidgeting in other ways every time I caught myself starting to rock back and fourth which isn't really an effective way to cover that up. I'm wondering if that ended up being even more conspicuous.

My mom got the title of a book about career options for people with Aspergers and NLD. That's what I really needed the most. Nobody will hire me it seems. I also got an interesting 80-page pamphlet that seems to be more informative then at least some websites. It has a lot of lists. I like lists. (Was that last comment scary?)

the NLD thing again

2006-04-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

So my mom is going to a seminar about autistic spectrum disorders for work. She wanted me to come too so I agreed. I don't regret agreeing but it occurred to me that there's a major risk that I’ll be "found out", considering the people there will mostly be people who's job involves recognizing these disorders in people (like my mom's job). The odd thing is, despite my formal diagnosis and several teachers saying I'm a textbook case of NLD, my mom is in complete denial about me being on the spectrum, even though it's her job to recognize symptoms in other people. She’ll admit to me having any individual symptom (can't read social cues, sensory issues, rocking back and forth, forgets to make eye contact, trouble making small talk etc) but never the whole disorder.

I'm trying not to write about this too much. I hate to sound obsessed, I just keep getting reminders, and it does effect my whole life.

2006-04-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well for the most part, I guess you could call last Friday a success. I didn't rock back and fourth or blurt out anything crazy and they didn't tell Dave he could do better, at least while I was there. We were supposed to go to horizon cafe, but since nobody had been to their new location, it took us about two hours to find it and then a half-hour to find a parking space. Then when we got there, they said they were closed. So we went to Gianna's. Unlike when my parents went there, Dave's parents didn't complain about the pierced people or the same sex pda. Once we got there, the time was surprisingly uneventful. But then my mom insisted on meeting Dave's parents. The whole time they were visiting, there were a lot of awkward silences between my parents suggesting sightseeing and Dave's parents saying "We aren't here to go sightseeing. We Just want to see Dave. We haven't seen him in five years." and "Next time we go to Florida, Dave is coming with us. I don't want to hear about school and work." I've been worrying since then that there are going to try to take him back to Wisconsin with them. I called him and he swore that that isn't going to happen and that even if it does he won't go. I know I have a history of worrying, but I feel like the one thing I don't try to ensure won't happen or don't worry about, is the one thing that will happen.

The belated sader was "interesting", mostly people were just drunk, and cracking jokes and laughing for no reason, it seems like it gets more like this every year. I suppose it's better then if we were actually taking it seriously. I usually now just use alcohol as an excuse to act weird of say weird things. I drink an ounce of wine and hope nobody notices that I really shouldn't be drunk.