It's going to be a lonely week

I just found out that next weekend Dave will have to work so much that I will only be able to see him for a few hours on Saturday and not at all on Sunday. That and of course as usual I won't get to see on any weekdays except Friday.

I know a lot of my entries have been "waahhh waaahhh waaahhh. I'm lonely", but that's how I feel. I did read one person's blog that said "write about your feelings. Nobody cares about your day-to-day activities." She didn't direct it at me but I'm wondering if that's what a lot of people think about blogs in general.

If you're thinking, "I thought people on the spectrum were supposed to be immune to loneliness", you're wrong. Most experts agree that at least people with Aspergers and NLD do want social interaction but just have a hard time having them without ending up being hated. The disagreement lies with what "regular" autistics want in terms of that area. (I refuse to use to term "low functioning". It's misleading hierarchical and elitist.)

I’ll try to stop my whining now. There are worse problems in the world.

Next week is finals week. Somehow only two of my classes have actual finals, Wednesday afternoon and Thursday night and I don't have to be anywhere else this week.

Although I got very little out of my abnormal psychology class (which is a shame because in general I'm interested in the subject) because my teacher insisted on doing everything but teaching, I do like the textbook. It specifies which disorders are ego-dystonic. This fascinates me. I'm often puzzled when people say, "that's the disorder talking". Although that isn't quite the same thing if they're saying it about somebody else.

A rare event

For the first time in who knows how long I will have time where I'm not sure what to do. All of my actual homework assignments are done, possibly for the whole semester. It's just the time between my class that ends at 3:45 and the one that starts at six. If I were not stuck at school there would be a ton of things for me to do. It's hardly my biggest problem. I'm only writing this because it's so rare. I’ll probably just end up studying even though It's no that close to finale and I don't know what I’ll remember.

It's weird. Sometimes I feel like want constant attention. Yet some kinds of attention terrify me. I'’m really afraid of being in a situation where a bunch of people look at me, like my bamitzvahah. Even having a conversation with more then one person at a time is something I find difficult. I guess I want constant attention of a very specific kind. I find myself thinking, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! She hasn'’t updated her blog in three days! I'’m in the Dark! I guess that isn'’t attention really. Maybe what I want is constant interaction, if you can call it that. It's not something I really get, not that I could reasonably expect it or deserve it. So many of my friends seem like they ether get tired of me or start hating me. I can'’t really tell because they just stop returning my emails and other forms of communication.

In other news I don'’t like Lexapro in the springtime. It's not hot but I'’m sweating buckets because of it. Maybe the reason people think we all don't shower is because we'’re all on SSRIs and sweating because of it.

Well I liked the seminar. I thought it was good that there were a lot of "this is what it's like to have this disorder." I feel like so often, when disorders are discussed, especially this type, they never even come close to letting the disordered give their side of the story. The focus is on how hard life is for the family and what unbearable freaks the people with the disorders are.

Anyway, back to the seminar, he also talked about other disorders besides PDD ones and did some comparing and contrasting. He said, "People with Aspergers say 'don't move that table three feet because if you do it's too much change and I’ll be lost.' whereas people with OCD say 'don't move that table three feet because then it won't be in the center of the room and it needs to be in the center of the room." I guess at least the first part is somewhat accurate if taken with a grain of salt. I'm guessing the second part is only one example of a possible compulsion but then again so is the first. In his discussion of OCD, he didn't differentiate between OCD anxiety disorder and OCD personality disorder. He also only talked about compulsions and not intrusive thoughts.

In his discussion of NLD, he made a point of saying "Please don't bother trying to teach them handwriting. They have enough problems. It's never going to work. You can make them practice ten hours a day but every day it will just be like the movie groundhog’s day. They will be right back where they started. Just pick your battles and get them typing. The same goes for math and driving." I really appreciate that. I can't tell you how many teachers have made me hand write a paper several times over only to give me a zero at the end.

He also said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. Though he didn't say those two things one after another, I'm not sure how to interpret that besides the most obvious way. It seems like he wouldn't become a therapist who specializes in Aspergers if her truly felt that way. I'm tempted to email him and ask about that but I'm not sure what I'd even say. "You said that people with Williams syndrome are the most lovable people you’ll ever meet and that people with Aspergers are the exact opposite of people with Williams syndrome. That's not nice. Do you really think that?" I probably won't email him. B For the most part he didn't seem to be portraying anyone as hatable or anything like that.

I'm not really sure if I was "found out". Those chairs had bouncy backs. It's like they were just begging you to rock back and fourth. I kept fidgeting in other ways every time I caught myself starting to rock back and fourth which isn't really an effective way to cover that up. I'm wondering if that ended up being even more conspicuous.

My mom got the title of a book about career options for people with Aspergers and NLD. That's what I really needed the most. Nobody will hire me it seems. I also got an interesting 80-page pamphlet that seems to be more informative then at least some websites. It has a lot of lists. I like lists. (Was that last comment scary?)

the NLD thing again

So my mom is going to a seminar about autistic spectrum disorders for work. She wanted me to come too so I agreed. I don't regret agreeing but it occurred to me that there's a major risk that I’ll be "found out", considering the people there will mostly be people who's job involves recognizing these disorders in people (like my mom's job). The odd thing is, despite my formal diagnosis and several teachers saying I'm a textbook case of NLD, my mom is in complete denial about me being on the spectrum, even though it's her job to recognize symptoms in other people. She’ll admit to me having any individual symptom (can't read social cues, sensory issues, rocking back and forth, forgets to make eye contact, trouble making small talk etc) but never the whole disorder.

I'm trying not to write about this too much. I hate to sound obsessed, I just keep getting reminders, and it does effect my whole life.

Well for the most part, I guess you could call last Friday a success. I didn't rock back and fourth or blurt out anything crazy and they didn't tell Dave he could do better, at least while I was there. We were supposed to go to horizon cafe, but since nobody had been to their new location, it took us about two hours to find it and then a half-hour to find a parking space. Then when we got there, they said they were closed. So we went to Gianna's. Unlike when my parents went there, Dave's parents didn't complain about the pierced people or the same sex pda. Once we got there, the time was surprisingly uneventful. But then my mom insisted on meeting Dave's parents. The whole time they were visiting, there were a lot of awkward silences between my parents suggesting sightseeing and Dave's parents saying "We aren't here to go sightseeing. We Just want to see Dave. We haven't seen him in five years." and "Next time we go to Florida, Dave is coming with us. I don't want to hear about school and work." I've been worrying since then that there are going to try to take him back to Wisconsin with them. I called him and he swore that that isn't going to happen and that even if it does he won't go. I know I have a history of worrying, but I feel like the one thing I don't try to ensure won't happen or don't worry about, is the one thing that will happen.

The belated sader was "interesting", mostly people were just drunk, and cracking jokes and laughing for no reason, it seems like it gets more like this every year. I suppose it's better then if we were actually taking it seriously. I usually now just use alcohol as an excuse to act weird of say weird things. I drink an ounce of wine and hope nobody notices that I really shouldn't be drunk.

.....

Tomorrow’s the big day. I can't sleep. I'm having trouble doing anything that is even remotely productive. I've just been pacing around and eating sugar-free Korean hard candy all night. (Ok so it's only 12:30). Every crazy possibility is going through my head. What If I rock back and fourth or launch into some monologue about who knows what. What if they blame me for "stealing" Dave? What if they somehow convince him to move back to Wisconsin? What if they blame me for some other way he changed that they don't like? What if I blurt out something inappropriate? I'm sure I haven’t thought of everything that could possibly go wrong. It's not like worrying will stop crap from happening. That doesn't actually stop me from worrying though.

oh so scared

I now have to meet Dave's parents. I know it's "weird" that we've been going out for years and I'm only now meeting them, but what was I supposed to do? He moved here from Wisconsin. I have no idea what they will say. I'm afraid that they might say something like "You could do better." I realize he isn't exactly going to listen. If he did whatever they told him he never would have moved here. I'm also worried about the question, "what do you plan on doing?” Originally, Dave was wanted to be a professor and I wanted to be a researcher. That was before Dave was rejected by all of the grad schools he applied to. If he can't get in then there's no way I can. His GPA is much higher then mine is.

In other news, I finished my eureka bead necklace. I think I'm going to keep the prototype and then make some more to sell on ebay. Nobody else is selling those so in theory I should have the market cornered.
The picture up there is what a eureka bead though mine is pearly white.

a few things

A few weeks ago I went to a concert with my boyfriend. It pretty much sucked. First my boyfriend was told that it started an hour later then it really did. So we got there an hour early and had to spend an hour and a half sitting there getting weird looks from the band as they did the sound check, which was about twice as loud as the actual concert. It mad me think I might get tinnitus. The band also sucked. They were really bland. We didn't know ahead of time who was even playing there. I'm not really sure why my boyfriend wanted to go there. At least the concert was free.

I'm really confused when someone is referred to as a "thinking person. I always wonder, as opposed to what, a philosophical zombie?